I fail. I'm not a good enough sister. I'm not a good enough friend. I'm not a good enough student. I'm not a good enough worker. I'm not disciplined enough. I'm not diligent enough. I don't get everything done. I mess up. I yell at people. I leave emails un-responded to, journals unwritten, quiet times uncompleted. No matter how hard I try, I'm reminded that I'm not good enough. I could have done something better: I could have studied more; I could have tried harder.
Sometimes, I ignore my failure. I remind myself that nobody's perfect, that I'm too hard myself, and that obsession with perfection can be a mental sickness. Nevertheless, some days, I'm confronted with my failure because it does matter. My failure has consequences. My lack of investment leads to weak relationships with my siblings and friends. My lack of diligence results in missing deadlines for internships and scholarships. My lack of discipline means that I wake up late and rush off to class instead of spending much needed time with Jesus. I fail, and my failure is not okay. It has consequences.
And yet, sometimes, my efforts really are the best I can do. Those are the days I sit on the edge of an empty soccer field and cry. I don't cry because I'm not enough; I cry because no matter how hard I try, I won't be enough.
"God! I'm not enough!"
"I AM."
And though I've been here before, I feel like I'm hearing His name for the first time. I AM. He is. He is, and I don't have to be; I just need to hold on to Him.
Sometimes, I ignore my failure. I remind myself that nobody's perfect, that I'm too hard myself, and that obsession with perfection can be a mental sickness. Nevertheless, some days, I'm confronted with my failure because it does matter. My failure has consequences. My lack of investment leads to weak relationships with my siblings and friends. My lack of diligence results in missing deadlines for internships and scholarships. My lack of discipline means that I wake up late and rush off to class instead of spending much needed time with Jesus. I fail, and my failure is not okay. It has consequences.
And yet, sometimes, my efforts really are the best I can do. Those are the days I sit on the edge of an empty soccer field and cry. I don't cry because I'm not enough; I cry because no matter how hard I try, I won't be enough.
"God! I'm not enough!"
"I AM."
And though I've been here before, I feel like I'm hearing His name for the first time. I AM. He is. He is, and I don't have to be; I just need to hold on to Him.
No comments:
Post a Comment