How This Journey Blessed Me

Even though I ended 2/24 last August, I’m still blessed by how God worked in me through this journey. I know that worship and quiet time should be about glorifying God, but I think that He blesses us through our time with Him. Here’s how:

1.     Spending time with Jesus is enjoyable.  Quiet time reminds me of exercise. Sometimes, I dread it and avoid it all costs.  Like exercising, however, spending time with Jesus results in joy. Even though I often didn’t feel His presence last summer, I experienced this joy. 

2.     The Word is alive. Many Scriptures that I had heard and read dozens of times suddenly made sense. Phrases that always seemed foreign—“I have been crucified with Christ”—clicked! Concepts I understood intellectually seemed experientially true for the first time, and this understanding didn’t wane when I ended 2/24. As I read through Ephesians last week, I wondered if I’ve been illiterate my whole life. I knew the words on the page well enough, but this time, they really meant something. They weren’t just intellectually true. They were true in the best possible sense of true. My understanding of the Word’s life began when I started spending significant amounts of time reading it. 

3.     I’m learning to hear to voice of God. Last summer, during 2/24, I became frustrated. I felt like I was in a dry place and that I hadn’t heard God’s voice. Even though I was spending a lot time with Him and worshipping Him, I wasn’t feeling His presence. Through this experience, God reminded me that faith is more than experiencing His presence. By giving me a hunger for His word, he taught me to recognize His voice so that in later months, I would be ready to hear it. 

4.     I miss quiet time. When I miss quiet time, I actually miss it. Many days, I find that I’m not walking by the Spirit, but now, I can recognize the difference.  When I’m being a grumpy witch, I know what the real cause is, and usually, the solution involves more than chocolate. I need Jesus. 

5.     The Bible is one story. Whether I read a couple verses here and there or an entire book, The Holy Spirit teaches me through Scripture. Nevertheless, reading large amounts of Scripture at a time allowed me to make connections and see that the Bible really is one big story! Leviticus matters because it’s how God chose to reveal himself to the Israelites, but its descriptions of sacrificial law also shed light on Jesus’s death. Scripture isn’t just a catalog of true statements; it’s a story.

To God be the glory!

He is

I fail. I'm not a good enough sister. I'm not a good enough friend. I'm not a good enough student. I'm not a good enough worker. I'm not disciplined enough. I'm not diligent enough. I don't get everything done. I mess up. I yell at people. I leave emails un-responded to, journals unwritten, quiet times uncompleted. No matter how hard I try, I'm reminded that I'm not good enough. I could have done something better: I could have studied more; I could have tried harder.


Sometimes, I ignore my failure. I remind myself that nobody's perfect, that I'm too hard myself, and that obsession with perfection can be a mental sickness. Nevertheless, some days, I'm confronted with my failure because it does matter. My failure has consequences. My lack of investment leads to weak relationships with my siblings and friends. My lack of diligence results in missing deadlines for internships and scholarships. My lack of discipline means that I wake up late and rush off to class instead of spending much needed time with Jesus. I fail, and my failure is not okay. It has consequences.

And yet, sometimes, my efforts really are the best I can do. Those are the days I sit on the edge of an empty soccer field and cry. I don't cry because I'm not enough; I cry because no matter how hard I try, I won't be enough.

"God! I'm not enough!"

"I AM."

And though I've been here before, I feel like I'm hearing His name for the first time.  I AM. He is. He is, and I don't have to be; I just need to hold on to Him.

What I've Learned This Semester

There's only one question that matters at any given second: Am I abiding in Christ?

Joy in the Morning

I'm so thankful when God lets us feel His presence and see Him at work! This morning was definitely one of those mornings! I was especially encouraged because I've been struggling to have a consistent quiet time. The past few days have been closer to 0:24 than 2:24! Part of this inconsistency is due to a struggle against laziness and sin. This struggle has been compounded by that ever common feeling (but of course, it's just a feeling!) that God isn't really here. I'm so thankful for mornings like this morning where the JOY of the living Word overwhelms me, and I am again reminded why (in addition to reason) I believe. What HOPE there is for those of us in Christ!

Heart Changes: Only God can make them

Journaling last night reminded me of some of the changes God has made in my heart recently. I'm elated,  because even though I can't see the effects yet, I know that God is changing me in ways that only He can.

Last year, during prayer and praise, we sang a song with the lyrics "Where you go, I'll go. Where you stay, I'll stay. When you move, I'll move. I will follow you." I loved the song, and I wanted the words to be true, but I often felt like I was lying. "What if God calls me to leave leave school, and travel somewhere I've never been? I couldn't do that, my family would think I was crazy. Every one would think I was crazy. Leaving a full tuition scholarship? I would be crazy." or, maybe worse, "What if God asks me to leave school to help out my family? I couldn't give up my education for them. They wouldn't want me to, and, after all, this is my life." But this life isn't mine, it wasn't mine, and I knew that.

The distance between the head and the heart, however, is much greater than the eye would discern. I knew that I should surrender my life to Jesus, but I couldn't seem to bring my heart to the point of letting go. This summer, however, God has brought me there.

I think started with 2:24 and our college Bible study. All through the gospels, Jesus' words rose off the page. "Follow me." Just two words, but they issue the greatest challenge I'll ever face. "Follow me." Not "follow me when...." or "follow me if....". Just, "follow me." I began to see the urgency of obeying Christ; I began to understand that His commands are literal. Then, I discovered that following God isn't a new idea.

When I finished the four gospels, I started back at Genesis. With Noah and Abraham, I witnessed individuals who chose to follow God, even when His commands seemed crazy. (I want you to build an ark and collect a zoo. Seriously?) In Exodus and Numbers, I found an even more astounding example of what it looks like to follow God, and what happens when we don't. My favorite passage there is Numbers 9:15-23 (HCSB).

On the day the tabernacle was set up, the cloud covered the tabernacle, the tent of the testimony, and it appeared like fire above the tabernacle from evening until morning. It remained that way continuously: the cloud would cover it, appearing like fire at night. Whenever the cloud was lifted up above the tent, the Israelites would set out; at the place where the cloud stopped, there the Israelites camped. At the LORD's command the Israelites set out, and at the LORD's command they camped. As long as the cloud stayed over the tabernacle, they camped.

Even when the cloud stayed over the tabernacle many days, the Israelites carried out the LORD's requirement and did not set out. Sometimes the cloud remained only a few days. They would camp at the LORD's command. Sometimes the cloud only remained from evening until morning; when the cloud lifted in the morning, they set out. Or if it remained a day and a night, they moved out when the cloud lifted. Whether it was two days, a month, or longer, the Israelites camped and did not set out as long as the cloud stayed over the tabernacle. But when it was lifted, they set out. They camped at the LORD's command, and they set out at the LORD's command. They carried out the Lord's requirement according to His command through Moses.

The later story of how Israel responded to the scouts and refused to enter Canaan (and, consequentially, lost the opportunity) impressed upon me the significance of my refusal. Saying, "I cannot" is rebellion against God, and a choice against the blessings of His plan. Through this realization, God changed my heart.

I do not think that I am called to leave school (at least not right now). I do not know that I am called to live my life in another country, or give up my degree and my desire to teach. Right now, I have peace that I'm in the right place, doing the right thing. But, that may change. The cloud may stay for a day, a month, or ten years. When it moves, however, I want to move with it. Where He goes, I will go. Where He stays, I will stay. Where He moves, I will move. I will follow Him.

If I ever tell you that God is commanding me to go somewhere or do something, but I'm too afraid, you now have the responsibility to remind me of these stories. 

Shout joyfully!

Shout joyfully to God, all the earth!
Sing the glory of His name;
make His praise glorious.
Psalm 66:1-2 (HCSB)

I will shout and sing!

back at the cross

I'm failing You, Jesus
I don't meet up
and no matter how hard I try
an accusing voice
reminds me again
I
have
failed.

Maybe I have failed
but not quite as I think.

I haven't failed because of my mistakes
lack of discipline
or shortage of effort.

I have failed because I have forgotten the gospel.
I have tried to replace
propitiation with perfection
dependence with discipline
grace with effort
and in doing so,
I've forgotten the cross.

The cross is only good news
because I do mess up
because my discipline and effort
will never be enough.
My biggest failing is not that I need grace
but that I forget
grace exists.

At the cross
everything is simple.
I'm not enough
I don't meet up
and that is where the good news begins.